Diary of a Child #1

my God... dad, has it really been this long? have you suddenly changed into a different person throughout these years or have I really just started to get to know you?

i have to say, i grew up hating you, you know. i grew up harboring all these negative thoughts and emotional whatnot.. you shut me up whenever i "justify" and it has only been tonight that you gave me the liberty to do so.. it is just now that you permit me to explain without thinking that I am talking back. i love you for that.. i already learned to forgive a few years back but it is just tonight that you made me feel, how do i say this? it is just tonight that you made such a closure to this childhood scar..

OH MY GOD! and for the first time, pa, you went into my room. pag may conflict, parati kasi si mama.. Oct. 27, 2011.. you don't know talaga pa what this means to me.. all my life.. tapos biglang ganun.. i may have broken your trust but you still give me reason and the chance to put it back again..

friends during my retreat: Jaycee, Marie and Lina, if ever i die today or whenever without having to share the letter i wrote to him, you know what to do.. i placed it still inside my blue envelope. so, if ever that happens, i want you to hand it over to him. it shall contain everything and it shall liberate my soul...

IF ONLY YOU SAID THIS A WHOLE LOT EARLIER, I WOULDN'T HAVE THE PERSONALITY I HAVE TODAY. I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THIS SECRETIVE TO YOU GUYS.. but you left me no choice and i don't think "sorry" would be an appropriate term.

ma, sorry, i disappointed you. but you disappoint me too.. the way you pass judgments to my friends? yeah. that's such a huge No-No to me.. you can cross anyone, every person i have in my life except for these 11 guys.. you don't know them so don't have a right to say a thing! be mad, shout all you want. i'm sorry. kasalanan ko, i know.. hindi naman ako bato.. naiintindihan ko bakit. ok lang sakin.. pero ibang usapan na tlga kung kasali mga kaibigan ko.. lalaban ako.. kaya, intindihin mo rin bakit kita tiningnan ng ganun ka-sama..

yes, i am such a failure. i don't absorb your "values" as fast as you expected me to do.

so, i'm sorry but i can't be your perfect child..

Diary of a Friend #2

it started off with little inconspicuous spaces brought by circumstantial demands i though we all understood. you've got your s* to work on, we've got mine. as a matter of fact, i believe we all perfectly understood its consequences. as time passed by, these spaces became more distinct, more tangible and more problematic. you guys have something important to do; i perfectly understand that! it's part of our academics. you can't just drop it and pretend it's not there. i get that. really. but i also expect that you'd get me.. since you weren't here, what was i supposed to do? who am i supposed to talk to? who am i supposed to be with? we're the only ones left, naturally, we'd take advantage to the time to be together even if you are away, because again, we're the only ones left behind.. and now, why does it seem as if we've started something new and surprise surprise, you weren't in it? why do you see it that way?.. Fine, i felt a change. i felt i was pushing you outside. but i was expecting you'd also understand it.. whenever you're back, you don't just expect us to change back to normal to accommodate you, you know. it took time for me to adjust while you went away. i can't just revert back to normal now that i've somehow found comfort with these people.

you know what hits me the most? you just left. *pooof*. without a trace of whatever it is that made you do so. you left me hanging and you left me wondering.. it hits me because it felt like i was just THAT disposable, that you could just leave me here as i spent months trying to build this thing we have now, and mind you, my cards were always ALL OUT to keep us closer. the fact that you just left without letting me hear your thoughts just says how meaningless this relationship has been to you..

but fine, you have your reasons. i respect that.. i shall try to understand, again.. i forgive you...

but now, kayo nanaman? so, iikot na lang talaga ang mga unresolved issues na to?.. ang labo eh. i thought you guys wanted to save this. tapos ngayon biglang manhid-manhidan?. i tried to patch up things and hopefully, i helped mend some wounds that might bring us back.. eh ngayon, bagong sugat nanaman ba?

you know, no, i don't think you do know. when we have conversations, it hurts how callous your hearts have grown when just a few nights ago, your eyes would swell in tears because of the pain these issues give you. but now, you act as if these things never happened. as if these things could just be that disposable too.. ung words na binibitawan nyo, I secretly pray that you guys don't mean it. but everyday, you make it a point to prove to me that you do, that you mean every single word of it..

sige lang. hindi pa naman ako bumibitaw.. pero konti na lang. my heart can only contain so much. i'm afraid i cannot hold on that much any longer if you still manifest the same actions to each other, to me.. don't do this to me. i have my problems of MY OWN. don't add to it. you know, you used to lighten up my day but now, you're the reason why i can't sleep at night.. i hate seeing you like this. can't we all just drop these issues, learn from them and move on together like we've always done?

hindi pa nga natin kilala ang isa't isa. kaya eto na ang chance para magkakilala. pero sana, hindi ito rason para magkalimutan na ng tuluyan.

:'(