Diary of a Friend #1

Hindi naman ako mapagbigay, hindi rin talaga ako madamot. Hindi ako mabait, hndi rin tlga ako masama. May mga kaya akong gawin na hindi ko kaya gawin sa iba.. Kung uninterrupted life of heroic deeds ang pag-uusapan, akin sobrang interrupted. Dahil nagagawa ko lang gumawa ng kabutihan sa mga kaibigan ko, sa mga taong malapit sa akin, ung tipong pati buhay ko, ilalaan ko para sa kanila.

I have learned that I will not always be there for them whenever they need me. I won’t always be there to support or even carry them around though they walk with 4 feet. I won’t always be there to laugh at their jokes, tease them and help them “observe” other people. I can’t promise that. Who knows what tomorrow brings? If we happen to stay the same, I would very much love that. But if not, is there any other choice save accept and move on? :(

But nevertheless, isa lang talaga ang mapapangako ko sa inyo, un ay tulungan at suportahan kayo sa LAHAT ng makakaya ko..

You know who you are. :’(

Diary of a Masochist #1

there are some things that need not be told for one to understand. sometimes, one fully comprehends only when he gets to witness, experience or feel.

one thing you'll never get from me at that first glance is how i am immensely delighted in pain . . .

yes, pain. physical and emotional.

sometimes, i like to store things up inside and just wait for that moment until i get so exhausted and suicidal.

but these things don't happen without a price. sometimes, somewhere along the process, my attitude changes or shall i say my mood swings. it moves abruptly and unpredictably that sometimes, i become so hard to get along with it. and buti sana kung wala ung effects. eh most of the time, i leave negative imprints on those people i am with.. i can't blame them, you know? it's not their fault if they can't cope up, trying to understand me. hello, i'm practically being impossible.. but then again, it's sort of like a cycle.. the moment they get angered or irritated or something like that, it just gives me another reason to wallow in rejection and near-depression emotions. thus, more pain.. more pain means faster process of hauling and filling up my emotions with all these negativity. more negativity means the lower i feel. the lower i feel spells more reasons for me to put it out in the physical sense -- physical infliction. self-infliction.. self-infliction = satisfaction...

*evil laugh*... i know what you must be thinking right now. i am weird. i agree with that.. and you know what? i somehow like it...

but in the end, i gain nothing, not even that satisfaction i get after the cuts and bruises.. rather, i lose it all.. i end up defeated.. i end up losing all my friends. and no matter how hard i try to reach out to them, it would be too late because i already pushed them so far..

so readers, bare with me.
i'll understand if you can't.. but at least just try.
:(

. . . . .

when pain gets out of my body . . .
. . . i feel better.

Diary of a Suicidal #2

have you ever felt so suddenly hurt and miserable even after you've had tons of happiness and laughter just an hour ago?

have you ever felt that pain that creeps inside you and you give a loud shriek the moment it bites into your heart and soul?

have you ever felt that grief that locks itself in your heart and no matter how you pry it off, it doesn't budge?

i have... and i am, right now...

it has come back -- the old me.. yes, it has..

i am fearful but nevertheless morbidly elated..

sometimes, when you become so emotionally burdened, you become so numb and immobile. you can't feel anything, not even pain.. and sometimes, the only way to feel again is through hurting yourself... physically...

:'O

Diary of a Suicidal #1

a home is basically where you learn all these things about love, honor, truth and respect.
it's basically the place where you can take refuge when the world hurls all these rotten things that you can barely withstand.
it's basically the place where you feel certain of everything when situations begin to be murky and dark.

i wonder, bakit hindi ganon sa akin?

diba dapat sa kanila manggaling ang respeto? nag-react lang naman ako sa pagtrato niyo sa akin ah. ako nanaman ba ang mali? sabi niyo "PERO, *****(<- relationship) mo pa rin sya . . .", eh pano ako? ibig sabihin ba non na dahil ngayon siya ang ***** ko, pwede lang akong iTreat like that? pwede lang kalimutan na tao rin ako? may isip at may feelings?

kaya nga hindi na tlga ako nagtataka kung bakit napapaisip sila kung bakit parati akong wala sa bahay.. kasi, kung tutuusin, mas feel ko pa ang HOME ko sa school. kung hindi lang siguro ako pinapakain at tinutustusan ang araw araw na needs ko, eh marahil sa school na rin ako nakatira o kung san ba andiyan ang friends.
buti pa kasi sa kanila, natututo akong magmahal, magrespeto, maging initiative, maging matulungin, mapagbigay at maging pasensyoso..

oo, wala naman sigurong bahay na perpekto, pero bakit napaka twisted ng akin?

alam mo, ang laki laki rin kasi ng PRIDE mo... ayaw mong bumaba. ewan ko. ang yabang mo lang talaga siguro. hindi mo man lang makita na nakakasakit ka na, na nakakatapak ka na ng dignidad ng iba... at eto pa, ikaw pa ang may ganang magalit. eh kamusta naman yon? at ang masaklap, ako pa tuloy ang dinedemandahan na umunawa at mag adjust. kasi nga, ***** siya, ako, isang anak lang..

ok rin ang logic mo noh. hindi nga rin kita masisisi. siguro, ganiyan ka rin pinalaki sa bahay mo, pero sana, marealize mo, iba ako, iba ka rin.. alam kong kaya kong mag adjust pero hindi yon ang sinasabi ng aking prinsipyo..

hehe.. alam mo, mag iilang taon na ako, dala dala ko pa rin ang hinanakit na to.. hindi mo alam, all these years, ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit ako lumalaking suicidal. hindi mo alam un, kasi masyadong malaki ang pride mo para tingnan kung ano nang nangyayari sa paligid mo.. hindi mo alam, i wrote poems that are suicidal in nature while i was still in grade school. biruin mo, ilang taon pa yun ako..

isang lang pangarap ko, na sana, kahit sa paglaki ko at sa pagdadala ng mga hinanakit na ito, hinding hindi ko ito maipasa sa magiging anak ko or sa mga batang gusto kong turuan at tulungan..

this grudge, this stain, this scar.. these things are forever, you know?

:'|