Diary of a Masochist #1

there are some things that need not be told for one to understand. sometimes, one fully comprehends only when he gets to witness, experience or feel.

one thing you'll never get from me at that first glance is how i am immensely delighted in pain . . .

yes, pain. physical and emotional.

sometimes, i like to store things up inside and just wait for that moment until i get so exhausted and suicidal.

but these things don't happen without a price. sometimes, somewhere along the process, my attitude changes or shall i say my mood swings. it moves abruptly and unpredictably that sometimes, i become so hard to get along with it. and buti sana kung wala ung effects. eh most of the time, i leave negative imprints on those people i am with.. i can't blame them, you know? it's not their fault if they can't cope up, trying to understand me. hello, i'm practically being impossible.. but then again, it's sort of like a cycle.. the moment they get angered or irritated or something like that, it just gives me another reason to wallow in rejection and near-depression emotions. thus, more pain.. more pain means faster process of hauling and filling up my emotions with all these negativity. more negativity means the lower i feel. the lower i feel spells more reasons for me to put it out in the physical sense -- physical infliction. self-infliction.. self-infliction = satisfaction...

*evil laugh*... i know what you must be thinking right now. i am weird. i agree with that.. and you know what? i somehow like it...

but in the end, i gain nothing, not even that satisfaction i get after the cuts and bruises.. rather, i lose it all.. i end up defeated.. i end up losing all my friends. and no matter how hard i try to reach out to them, it would be too late because i already pushed them so far..

so readers, bare with me.
i'll understand if you can't.. but at least just try.
:(