Diary of a Friend #3

Oh, so that's how it is right now. FINE! i'll concede to that.

I'm sorry i'm that sensitive; i'm NOT that too accepting to jokes in proportion to how I joke around you. I easily retaliate to jokes made on me while I exacerbate and exaggerate the ones I do on you.

Yea, you ARE right. I am mad. I am pissed. I was, I'd like to say betrayed because I think that's how I feel right now. Seriously, it wasn't funny, not in the very least. you tried to include another person -- someone loathsome to that effect even. At least when I tease, I don't include another people. it will only involve you. and a make it a point that when i tease you, it doesn't cross any line. sure, my jokes may have hurt you a little or more but i made it sure that it wasn't something that would really be THAT abusive, wounding or discourteous. i made it sure that my jokes are not that disturbing. but sige, you say it's just the same, they're still jokes. Ok. I won't do that anymore. But sana you remember that when I do that, I do not actualize it.

You know what got me the most? we already made a deal, an agreement, informal as it may, we did nevertheless. But you still went through it. I knew you would break the pact, eventually, but I was hoping that you didn't. you know, like how friends trust each other to do the right thing especially when terms have already been exchanged.. but no, it did not occur to you. you still changed its effin' name when i specifically told you not to! yea, so much for trust and friendship.

But I like this experience. it makes me realize just how hurtful I can be sometimes too. and I wanna change. but just so you know, when I soon do, don't expect me to be the same person again. :)

Diary of a Child #1

my God... dad, has it really been this long? have you suddenly changed into a different person throughout these years or have I really just started to get to know you?

i have to say, i grew up hating you, you know. i grew up harboring all these negative thoughts and emotional whatnot.. you shut me up whenever i "justify" and it has only been tonight that you gave me the liberty to do so.. it is just now that you permit me to explain without thinking that I am talking back. i love you for that.. i already learned to forgive a few years back but it is just tonight that you made me feel, how do i say this? it is just tonight that you made such a closure to this childhood scar..

OH MY GOD! and for the first time, pa, you went into my room. pag may conflict, parati kasi si mama.. Oct. 27, 2011.. you don't know talaga pa what this means to me.. all my life.. tapos biglang ganun.. i may have broken your trust but you still give me reason and the chance to put it back again..

friends during my retreat: Jaycee, Marie and Lina, if ever i die today or whenever without having to share the letter i wrote to him, you know what to do.. i placed it still inside my blue envelope. so, if ever that happens, i want you to hand it over to him. it shall contain everything and it shall liberate my soul...

IF ONLY YOU SAID THIS A WHOLE LOT EARLIER, I WOULDN'T HAVE THE PERSONALITY I HAVE TODAY. I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THIS SECRETIVE TO YOU GUYS.. but you left me no choice and i don't think "sorry" would be an appropriate term.

ma, sorry, i disappointed you. but you disappoint me too.. the way you pass judgments to my friends? yeah. that's such a huge No-No to me.. you can cross anyone, every person i have in my life except for these 11 guys.. you don't know them so don't have a right to say a thing! be mad, shout all you want. i'm sorry. kasalanan ko, i know.. hindi naman ako bato.. naiintindihan ko bakit. ok lang sakin.. pero ibang usapan na tlga kung kasali mga kaibigan ko.. lalaban ako.. kaya, intindihin mo rin bakit kita tiningnan ng ganun ka-sama..

yes, i am such a failure. i don't absorb your "values" as fast as you expected me to do.

so, i'm sorry but i can't be your perfect child..

Diary of a Friend #2

it started off with little inconspicuous spaces brought by circumstantial demands i though we all understood. you've got your s* to work on, we've got mine. as a matter of fact, i believe we all perfectly understood its consequences. as time passed by, these spaces became more distinct, more tangible and more problematic. you guys have something important to do; i perfectly understand that! it's part of our academics. you can't just drop it and pretend it's not there. i get that. really. but i also expect that you'd get me.. since you weren't here, what was i supposed to do? who am i supposed to talk to? who am i supposed to be with? we're the only ones left, naturally, we'd take advantage to the time to be together even if you are away, because again, we're the only ones left behind.. and now, why does it seem as if we've started something new and surprise surprise, you weren't in it? why do you see it that way?.. Fine, i felt a change. i felt i was pushing you outside. but i was expecting you'd also understand it.. whenever you're back, you don't just expect us to change back to normal to accommodate you, you know. it took time for me to adjust while you went away. i can't just revert back to normal now that i've somehow found comfort with these people.

you know what hits me the most? you just left. *pooof*. without a trace of whatever it is that made you do so. you left me hanging and you left me wondering.. it hits me because it felt like i was just THAT disposable, that you could just leave me here as i spent months trying to build this thing we have now, and mind you, my cards were always ALL OUT to keep us closer. the fact that you just left without letting me hear your thoughts just says how meaningless this relationship has been to you..

but fine, you have your reasons. i respect that.. i shall try to understand, again.. i forgive you...

but now, kayo nanaman? so, iikot na lang talaga ang mga unresolved issues na to?.. ang labo eh. i thought you guys wanted to save this. tapos ngayon biglang manhid-manhidan?. i tried to patch up things and hopefully, i helped mend some wounds that might bring us back.. eh ngayon, bagong sugat nanaman ba?

you know, no, i don't think you do know. when we have conversations, it hurts how callous your hearts have grown when just a few nights ago, your eyes would swell in tears because of the pain these issues give you. but now, you act as if these things never happened. as if these things could just be that disposable too.. ung words na binibitawan nyo, I secretly pray that you guys don't mean it. but everyday, you make it a point to prove to me that you do, that you mean every single word of it..

sige lang. hindi pa naman ako bumibitaw.. pero konti na lang. my heart can only contain so much. i'm afraid i cannot hold on that much any longer if you still manifest the same actions to each other, to me.. don't do this to me. i have my problems of MY OWN. don't add to it. you know, you used to lighten up my day but now, you're the reason why i can't sleep at night.. i hate seeing you like this. can't we all just drop these issues, learn from them and move on together like we've always done?

hindi pa nga natin kilala ang isa't isa. kaya eto na ang chance para magkakilala. pero sana, hindi ito rason para magkalimutan na ng tuluyan.

:'(

Mowgies! :)

i don't know if it's just me and my aging or it's really you.. kakaiba kasi kayo. seriously!

you guys have really different personalities, each of us, and yet we somehow STILL find each other's differences comforting. we have different perspectives and responses to particular situation and yet we still connect. we're really not a flock of the same feathers but i'm glad because we're really making this work for us.

you guys are so down to earth and down right genuine! from the moment i knew each of you, there was no hint of faking whatsoever, at all! yes, there were walls, and some of you still have those even now, there was hesitancy but i guess that's just human nature. but you were never people who'd i believe to be this today and tomorrow change into a different persons. you're real and consistent. you guys are so honest to me and i'll always respect you for that.

every time, every SINGLE time, we're together, i honestly can be myself. and that's quite rare. kasi, sometimes, inevitable talaga ang social desirability effect -- the feeling that you have to behave in a particular way such that you make yourself appear likable. but to you guys, i'm never that. i don't have to be this or that. hell, i don't even have to think of who i should be.. i just become myself. and it makes me extremely happy because i need not establish walls or whatever around me. i could always pour out my thoughts and feelings maybe not to all at once but at least individually. PLUS, you're always there to hear me out. ang saya talaga.

we're not COMPLETELY that different. siyempre, there are also similarities. when i said differences, i was pertaining to our temperaments and just how we bring ourselves ba, how we behave, how we react, psych stuff. you'd understand this. :)) so, talking about similarities, i like it 'cause we have the same devils >:) yes, we have the same devilish barkada trips and what not.. nakakatuwa! kasi we don't only make sama to have lunch, study and whatever, but we also make sama because magkasama ang ating trip! :)) flirt2x, bisya2x, chismis, we all have that! nakakatuwa kasi ganun din talaga ako. :)) kaya ang saya niyo kasama. pramis! :))

but the best thing that you guys gave me is a HOME. :)

when i got kicked out, i was so worried how to fit myself in your world knowing that you guys had been with each other since first year. i was thinking that you guys had your own groups, cliques, whatnots, that you had your own partners and you had your own comfort zones that there's no room for me in your wagon. but when i came, you generously welcomed me into yours. i had always thought of how to continue college life without friends or even lunchmates and all that knowing that i'm in an unfamiliar territory.. this thing that we have now, i never really thought i could have had before..

it's amazing how some people can be your friends, or say close ones, just like that *with a snap*.

i just hope that this stays FOREVER. :)

*hugs.

Diary of a Friend #1

Hindi naman ako mapagbigay, hindi rin talaga ako madamot. Hindi ako mabait, hndi rin tlga ako masama. May mga kaya akong gawin na hindi ko kaya gawin sa iba.. Kung uninterrupted life of heroic deeds ang pag-uusapan, akin sobrang interrupted. Dahil nagagawa ko lang gumawa ng kabutihan sa mga kaibigan ko, sa mga taong malapit sa akin, ung tipong pati buhay ko, ilalaan ko para sa kanila.

I have learned that I will not always be there for them whenever they need me. I won’t always be there to support or even carry them around though they walk with 4 feet. I won’t always be there to laugh at their jokes, tease them and help them “observe” other people. I can’t promise that. Who knows what tomorrow brings? If we happen to stay the same, I would very much love that. But if not, is there any other choice save accept and move on? :(

But nevertheless, isa lang talaga ang mapapangako ko sa inyo, un ay tulungan at suportahan kayo sa LAHAT ng makakaya ko..

You know who you are. :’(

Diary of a Masochist #1

there are some things that need not be told for one to understand. sometimes, one fully comprehends only when he gets to witness, experience or feel.

one thing you'll never get from me at that first glance is how i am immensely delighted in pain . . .

yes, pain. physical and emotional.

sometimes, i like to store things up inside and just wait for that moment until i get so exhausted and suicidal.

but these things don't happen without a price. sometimes, somewhere along the process, my attitude changes or shall i say my mood swings. it moves abruptly and unpredictably that sometimes, i become so hard to get along with it. and buti sana kung wala ung effects. eh most of the time, i leave negative imprints on those people i am with.. i can't blame them, you know? it's not their fault if they can't cope up, trying to understand me. hello, i'm practically being impossible.. but then again, it's sort of like a cycle.. the moment they get angered or irritated or something like that, it just gives me another reason to wallow in rejection and near-depression emotions. thus, more pain.. more pain means faster process of hauling and filling up my emotions with all these negativity. more negativity means the lower i feel. the lower i feel spells more reasons for me to put it out in the physical sense -- physical infliction. self-infliction.. self-infliction = satisfaction...

*evil laugh*... i know what you must be thinking right now. i am weird. i agree with that.. and you know what? i somehow like it...

but in the end, i gain nothing, not even that satisfaction i get after the cuts and bruises.. rather, i lose it all.. i end up defeated.. i end up losing all my friends. and no matter how hard i try to reach out to them, it would be too late because i already pushed them so far..

so readers, bare with me.
i'll understand if you can't.. but at least just try.
:(

. . . . .

when pain gets out of my body . . .
. . . i feel better.

Diary of a Suicidal #2

have you ever felt so suddenly hurt and miserable even after you've had tons of happiness and laughter just an hour ago?

have you ever felt that pain that creeps inside you and you give a loud shriek the moment it bites into your heart and soul?

have you ever felt that grief that locks itself in your heart and no matter how you pry it off, it doesn't budge?

i have... and i am, right now...

it has come back -- the old me.. yes, it has..

i am fearful but nevertheless morbidly elated..

sometimes, when you become so emotionally burdened, you become so numb and immobile. you can't feel anything, not even pain.. and sometimes, the only way to feel again is through hurting yourself... physically...

:'O

Diary of a Suicidal #1

a home is basically where you learn all these things about love, honor, truth and respect.
it's basically the place where you can take refuge when the world hurls all these rotten things that you can barely withstand.
it's basically the place where you feel certain of everything when situations begin to be murky and dark.

i wonder, bakit hindi ganon sa akin?

diba dapat sa kanila manggaling ang respeto? nag-react lang naman ako sa pagtrato niyo sa akin ah. ako nanaman ba ang mali? sabi niyo "PERO, *****(<- relationship) mo pa rin sya . . .", eh pano ako? ibig sabihin ba non na dahil ngayon siya ang ***** ko, pwede lang akong iTreat like that? pwede lang kalimutan na tao rin ako? may isip at may feelings?

kaya nga hindi na tlga ako nagtataka kung bakit napapaisip sila kung bakit parati akong wala sa bahay.. kasi, kung tutuusin, mas feel ko pa ang HOME ko sa school. kung hindi lang siguro ako pinapakain at tinutustusan ang araw araw na needs ko, eh marahil sa school na rin ako nakatira o kung san ba andiyan ang friends.
buti pa kasi sa kanila, natututo akong magmahal, magrespeto, maging initiative, maging matulungin, mapagbigay at maging pasensyoso..

oo, wala naman sigurong bahay na perpekto, pero bakit napaka twisted ng akin?

alam mo, ang laki laki rin kasi ng PRIDE mo... ayaw mong bumaba. ewan ko. ang yabang mo lang talaga siguro. hindi mo man lang makita na nakakasakit ka na, na nakakatapak ka na ng dignidad ng iba... at eto pa, ikaw pa ang may ganang magalit. eh kamusta naman yon? at ang masaklap, ako pa tuloy ang dinedemandahan na umunawa at mag adjust. kasi nga, ***** siya, ako, isang anak lang..

ok rin ang logic mo noh. hindi nga rin kita masisisi. siguro, ganiyan ka rin pinalaki sa bahay mo, pero sana, marealize mo, iba ako, iba ka rin.. alam kong kaya kong mag adjust pero hindi yon ang sinasabi ng aking prinsipyo..

hehe.. alam mo, mag iilang taon na ako, dala dala ko pa rin ang hinanakit na to.. hindi mo alam, all these years, ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit ako lumalaking suicidal. hindi mo alam un, kasi masyadong malaki ang pride mo para tingnan kung ano nang nangyayari sa paligid mo.. hindi mo alam, i wrote poems that are suicidal in nature while i was still in grade school. biruin mo, ilang taon pa yun ako..

isang lang pangarap ko, na sana, kahit sa paglaki ko at sa pagdadala ng mga hinanakit na ito, hinding hindi ko ito maipasa sa magiging anak ko or sa mga batang gusto kong turuan at tulungan..

this grudge, this stain, this scar.. these things are forever, you know?

:'|

Of Passion and Happiness

"There have been such gems amongst us who have changed the course of the world because they could look at the world differently."
- Ram Shankar Nikumbh, Like Stars On Earth

The world offers a lot of reasons for us to smile and laugh. the world has a variety of angles to look at and if we get the right ones, there's no telling how much impact it can have in awakening our passions, desires and ultimate goals of happiness.

Like Stars On Earth has just been a beacon of truth to me in my journey through life. Like Stars On Earth is a story about Ishaan (Darsheel Safary), a young boy who is ridiculed and scorned because of his incompetence in coping up in school thus being labeled as a duffer and a loser. But Ram (Aamir Khan), the art teacher, was different. With his compassion and patience, he saw through Ishaan's failures and discovered that he was suffering from Dyslexia but at the same time withholding a magnificent gift -- painting. Through time, Ram helped Ishaan actualize his gift and guided him as he expressed his inner beauty.

It got me thinking about what I really want to do in life. Ram gave me the answer.

I want to help people, especially these little kids, who are hurting and harboring all these pain, shame and guilt inside. imagine the torment they have to live through. i want to be there for them and open up a new reality, a new definition of their value. i want to help them switch on their inner radiance as they show the world how special they really are and motivate others to feel the same. i want to inspire them to become an inspiration.

Maybe God was really right all along. I was never meant for the corporate world and that I really had to come back to the medical field -- for me to mend the hearts of these children.

and i know, somehow, that this is my passion because it makes me happy, genuinely.

"You be the sun, radiate light. You are the river, don't you know? Flow on, fly high. You'll find your purpose where you find your happiness."
-Like Stars On Earth

Diary of a Deprived #1

I have always known how it feels to be bereft -- not with provisions, education and what not . . . save friends.

I'm not a needy person nor am I desperate but it just felt really good as I watched Raju embrace and celebrate the moments of having friends like Rancho and Farhan. And as I watched 3 Idiots, I cannot help but feel that heart-wrenching grip of envy as i wonder (i always did) how it feels to be him.

I remember growing up, I'd wish, no, not wish, I'd beg God every summer break that when I get back to school, I'd have friends like them.

To actualize the feeling that you get from that movie, having those people who'd make you believe that everything's possible as long as you're together, who'd exhaust all means there are in the world just to stand by with each other, who'd bring you to moments of foolishness and triumph one after another and who'd forget time just to create memories that will be cherished forever meant one of the deepest desires of my very life.

And to every tear of gratitude Raju shed, mine did too . . .

. . . but with a wanting to feel the same.

:'|

Diary of an Abandoned #1

People really do come and go.
and the going part isn't exactly easy nor is it pleasant, but nevertheless, it happens.

that's the reason why, before this happens, you really got to make the most out of it.
I don't wanna say "enjoy it while it lasts" because it sounds really materialistic but that just summarizes the whole point of it.

Some may be very fortunate; those who go, do return. but there are those who do not, whether they choose to or circumstances demand, i cannot tell, but definitely, the latter is what's heart breaking the most.

It hurts to lose people you have grown close with because somehow, they bring with them a little part of you that can never be replaced. and whenever you look inside yourself, you see those little empty spaces that have once made you complete and you cannot help but experience that crushing feeling of missing them. But at the same time, when people leave, they bestow a part of them with you and somehow, this is what you use to patch up those empty spaces inside and these parts they leave you with, they have all sorts of shapes, sizes, colors and textures brought about by different experiences and interaction. yet, you try so hard to piece them in, to make you whole again in one way or another..


at the end of the day, when you look back, when you look inside yourself, you see the "you" like a piece of white cloth with patches from people you have stitched in place as part of your dear memory.

It may not exactly look perfect but at least you can say "my life has been colorful because of you".

:'|

Inception

i have always wanted to write a diary or something in which i can save my memories to a permanence but never found myself actualizing the desire. it always starts with an urge to express but ends with a decision to bury it in my unconscious. i tried writing blogs on the internet and not continuing it after a few days and somehow, i fear it will happen again.

A friend of mine just asked me to create a blog for reasons i wish he'd tell me. apparently, i agreed. so here it is; my first blog ever since i stopped.

i wish to continue this even if i do not write on it on a daily basis. adding the fact that i am already guaranteed to one reader (which is him and i hope that i really am guaranteed of this). Sometimes it motivates you if you have at least a few of your friends who follow you and unearth those little details they thought were minor but actually make up the majority, if not the whole, of your being.

Ok. First post ends here. ;)